This morning I awoke to a six month old baby crying at 6:17 AM and my very first thought was, "Even Luke is sad this morning." After stumbling my way to the bathroom and then back to bed I quickly fell back to sleep. When I woke again a few hours later I opened my eyes and as I stared blankly and confused at the ceiling, I immediately asked myself, "Did I dream it?" But once I remembered where I was and whose voices I was hearing coming from the kitchen, I knew I hadn't.
Yesterday, my dear, dear friend Julia finally made her way to heaven and is now with the person she loves the most, Jesus. For the past week Julia has been battling for her life and an unreal amount of people have been ceaselessly praying for her to win that battle. Watching prayer requests spread like wildfire felt much like we were part of some kind of movement. I mean it drew attention from all corners of the earth, people from all over the state, country, and world were praying confidently and boldly to God for a healing, life-saving miracle for our sweet Julia. Still, Saturday afternoon came and The Lord chose to take Julia to be with Him in eternity.
I realize what this looks like on the outside to a lot of people. At first glance, it looks like a lot of people prayed for a good thing to happen and it didn't. It looks like there is room to doubt God, to not trust Him. It looks like a lot of people should be let down by God who didn't give them the miracle they had in mind. And as I was thinking about all of this last night it occurred to me what my response would be to this perspective and this is what I came up with.
No. I don't feel let down by God and I definitely don't doubt Him just because Julia is no longer physically here. If anything, the reason I can't doubt Him is because of the simple fact that she did live. Julia was a one-of-a-kind person in every sense of the word. People like Julia don't come along very often and I got the joy of getting to experience her for two whole years. I got to live with her for one of those years. Everyday I got to talk to Julia, to laugh with her and dance with her. I got to listen to her sing musicals in the kitchen while she made coffee. I got cry with her and snuggle in a bed with her. I got to watch her giddily make baskets for her little and go on and on about how excited she was. I got to watch her do ridiculous hand motions while she talked. I got to read notes she would leave me on my desk. But more than any of that, I got to watch the way that she chased after Jesus. I got to experience the way she loved with her entire heart and overflowed with joy. I watched the way she beamed with a light she only found in Jesus. I got to see the way that she made each person she talked to feel like they were her best friend, she changed people for the better. I got the privilege of being someone she looked up to and I got to give her advice. I got to encourage her to become a Young Life leader even when she was scared to. I got to tell her that without a doubt she would be a Baldwin High School leader and that girls there would love her.
And above all, I got to be someone that she loved.
Even now, the affects of her spirit and life are changing people. Sixty people got to live because of the organs she donated. Hundreds of people heard the Gospel last night. A girl she had been meeting with and pouring into all year long finally accepted Christ, along with countless others whose lives she touched.
So, no, I don't feel let down by God at all. I feel nothing but thankful.
